Setting Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty...Learning to say no without an apology attached

"Yes." "Okay." "Sure." At one time, that was considered the diplomatic thing to say. Always. No matter what.

The pressure to always say yes...

Even when tired, fatigued, irritable, or just not feeling well. Even when all we needed was a moment to breathe.

Asking for that moment, just ten or fifteen minutes of uninterrupted time, has somehow been made to feel selfish, as though we are thinking only of ourselves when really we are just trying to remain whole enough to keep showing up for everyone else.

No matter the profession, every person should be able to decline when they are simply not up for something. We should be able to say no without an obligatory explanation attached to soften the blow. We should be able to set a boundary and say, "I need some protected time right now," without that request being met with offense. Setting boundaries should not require justification.

The bucket and the cup

Several years ago, as part of a school-wide book study, I read How Full Is Your Bucket? by Tom Rath and Don Clifton. The book centers on a simple bucket and dipper metaphor. The idea is that our everyday interactions have the power to either add to or subtract from the overall quality of someone's day.

I believe deeply in that philosophy. Words and actions speak life; they have the power to build or to tear down. But I hold just as firmly to another truth: nobody can pour from an empty cup.

Choosing to be a servant leader, in any capacity, comes with real responsibility and real expectation. We are called to be empathetic, to offer wise counsel, and to be kind and tender-hearted, exuding happiness and optimism even on the days we do not feel either one. I am not opposed to any of that.

What we are not told often enough is that a cup cannot pour out what it does not have. Eventually, it runs dry, and everyone around us feels the absence of what we once so freely gave. This is precisely why setting boundaries matters so much. A boundary is not a wall built to keep people out. It is the maintenance required to keep the cup full enough to keep giving.

Christian author Lysa TerKeurst writes about this in her book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. Her premise is simple but convicting: boundaries are not unloving. They are one of the most loving things we can offer, both to ourselves and to the people we are in relationship with. A boundary protects a relationship rather than threatens it, because resentment quietly does far more damage than a clearly communicated limit ever could.

Taking care of ourselves is not selfish

I touched on this idea in a previous post, "The Art of Letting It Go at the End of the Day." We must honor and take care of ourselves. This does not mean placing ourselves before others. It simply means refusing to neglect ourselves in the process of being everything to everyone else.

For educators, setting boundaries can look like closing your classroom door for a few quiet minutes when you arrive early or during your planning period. It can look like finding a quiet corner of the cafeteria to sit in every now and then instead of joining the usual crowd. It can look like setting reasonable do-not-disturb hours on your phone, telling a colleague, "Not today, but I will circle back to you," or simply asking your well-intentioned spouse or your adoring children for a moment to decompress the second you walk through the door.

Sometimes the boundary is a no

Other times, setting a boundary looks like an actual no. This does not mean neglecting your responsibilities on the job. It might mean sitting out of an extracurricular activity or a sports event every now and then. It might mean deciding you will be fully present with your family this weekend and those papers will simply have to wait until Monday. It might mean finally having that long overdue lunch with friends. Or it might just mean choosing to do what you want to do instead of what you feel obligated to do.

None of that makes you less committed. It makes you sustainable. And sustainability is the entire point of setting boundaries in the first place.

The invitation

Protect your peace. Protect your time. Protect the parts of yourself that have nothing to do with anyone else's expectations.

A full cup serves everyone better than an empty one ever could.

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